This has got to get easier. I mean, in the broad scheme of things, this just cannot continue to get worse.

I am so tired of dealing with my skin. I'm tired of NEVER having clear days. I'm tired of waking up in the morning stressed because of it. I'm tired of going to bed and wishing that I wouldn't wake up because of it.

I'm tired of comments that people make when they don't know what's going on.

Last weekend, this asshole/drunk who frequents our bar looked at me and commented "You've either been standing in front of a microwave or you've spent too much time in the tanning bed." His clever remark that he thought wouldn't upset me because he was sure that I had baked myself too long in a tanning bed.

I'm tired of not having the confidence that I should have. I'm tired of avoiding the mirror as Dorian Grey avoided his painting because I know what I will see. Why can't I have a painting like that? One that shows all of my physical malities?

In the last week, thoughs of suicide have been filling my head again. It will just be easier in my opinion. I know what people say: "Perminant solution to a temporary problem." I've been battling this for 24.5 years. "Temporary" my ass.

I know that I'm like this for a reason. Possibly to teach others that it's not that bad or something. But you know what? I'm not that stong of a person, so God really dropped his guard when he decided that I was the one who could handle this.

I was told by my doctor that he has had patients whose skin clears up perminatly after they have a baby. I've been considering having a baby just because it's one thing that I want to do before I die. I want to experience pregnancy and what it's like to truly love someone with everything you are. I figure that if that doesn't give me a reason to live, there truly is NO reason on this earth for me to fight this hard every single day just to leave my apartment and face the world.

I've always said that I could never end my own life because I couldn't be that selfish and hurt my parents like that. I realized the other day that they're being that selfish by smoking. 60% of people who smoke die from some smoke related illness. In the end, I know that I'm going to have to stand by and watch them fight something that they have brought on themselves from years of smoking. And they're going to loose. 60%, People. I've tried for over a decade to get them to stop, but I've given up. It's much like talking to styrofoam.

They're killing themselves slowly. I'll just do it all at once.

There has got to be something that can be done for my skin. Honestly. Why can't they figure this out???